Routine

It was 2015 and I was at a routine doctor's appointment preparing to move overseas for two years.  We're supposed to get the all clear from our family doctor as well as a work doctor before moving away from first rate quality healthcare.  It was after work one night, about 6pm, just me the doctor and the nurse in a well known doctor's office.  I had no reason to suspect I might not get a good report.   I've been healthy my whole life.   Never broken a bone, never taken an antibiotic, never even been hospitalized. This appointment was just a formality. or so I thought.

A little ways into the appointment the doctor began asking me questions. I'm used to questions during my exams because I have lived overseas on and off for the past 14 years and they are always fascinated to hear of the different places I have been/lived and curious if I've ever gotten an exotic diseasem but this line of questioning seemed different.   A little further into the exam I heard the word biopsy    Um, excuse me, I know I wasn't listening before but I am now.   Why do you need to do a biopsy?  I'm confused.  I'm not gonna lie to you...all I heard was someone speaking like the teacher from Snoopy.  I couldn't decipher anything he was telling me - I was starting to became numb.  The doctor finished up and asked me to meet him in his office.

It was in that office where I was asked a question I have asked myself for most of my life:  Do you want to have children?    I thought it was a pretty odd question to start a conversation off with but I guess it's a fair question so I went into my whole shpeel.

So that's a good question doctor, and one I've asked myself over and over again.  Anyone who knows me can attest that I absolutely adore children.  I've babysat since the day I was old enough to babysit.   I'm the second oldest of a lot of kids and I've been around children my whole life but I've struggled with the thought of being a mom.  What if's play in my head every time I give it a thought.  So truth be told I've gone back and forth on the topic but yes, if God brought the right person into my life, I'd love to have children.

I saw the doctor's countenance change.  I was almost 38 and he knew I wasn't married so I don't think he was expecting that answer and now he had to tell me something I was not in my wildest dreams prepared for.

Ms Craft, while we were performing your exam we saw something that concerned us.
We've taken a sample for a biopsy and should have the results in a few days.
Additionally, and separately, I'm afraid you may never be able to have children.

 I sat there in silence.  It's now nearly 7pm, in a city where I had no family and very few friends and I began to feel a wetness on my cheeks. I touched my fingers to my face and realized I had began to cry and didn't even know it.   The doctor asked if I was ok? If there was someone he could call? If I was okay to drive home? If I would like some water?  Stop asking me questions that I can't answer.   It seemed like question after question was coming my way and I had lost my ability to speak.  It seemed like an eternity had passed but I'm quite certain it was only about 10 seconds.  The doctor seemed surprised this was the first time I was hearing about probable infertility.  Apparently it was something I was likely born with and doctor's should have found years if not decades earlier.  In their defense, one doctor - I don't know how many years ago - told me when I was ready to have children I should consult a specialist because I might have a hard time getting pregnant but no one mentioned the possibility I couldn't have children at all.

As I said, I had gone back and forth my whole life on whether or not I wanted children.  It was a hot topic in my marriage but ultimately I believed if I was meant to be a mom, it was in Gods hands.  As I look back over the last 2 1/2 years since I received this news I see God's promises holding me.   He has never left my side.  He has sheltered me through this life storm.  He has been my strong tower, never wavering.  And I'm not walking this road alone.

There are still days I grieve for that which I will never have but he's restoring me and putting a new song in my heart.  Maybe biological children aren't in my future but perhaps adoption is, if I'm able to find the right man of God that desires the same.   If not, perhaps it will be through grandchildren if God blesses me with a Godly man already with children.

Whatever God ultimately chooses for my life, I can say without hesitation or reservation

                   It is well, with my soul!

It's Time to Use The Good Stuff

Do you have some china given to you by your grandmother?  Did you receive china as a wedding gift but sits in a cabinet for a "special occasion?"

Have you ever defined a "special occasion?"  When was the last time you had a "special occasion" and used that china?  I venture to say it's likely been quite some time, if ever.

Tonight, there was no special occasion, no one joining me, no reason to celebrate..just a quiet Saturday night but I pulled out the nice stuff.

In my previous life, I never pulled out my china - never.  I had it for 5 years and not even once.   Then when life changed, I sold it.  Sold it brand new.   Through the years, while I have not acquired a new set of china, I have purchased some dinnerware that I really really love.   But even in all the time that I've had it, I've rarely used it.  So starting tonight...I'm using the good stuff.  

So what are you waiting for?   Why spend all that money to only have it sit in a cabinet?   Why register for it if you weren't going to use it?   

Order some pizza...make some peanut butter and jelly on the china dinner plate, pour a glass of milk in that crystal stemware and scoop some ice cream in the glass ice cream bowl.

Life is short...it's time to use the good stuff!

Jane the V*****

Have you seen the show Jane the Virgin?  No, I don't want to talk about a young lady who ended up pregnant even though she was a virgin.  Even though it was not the product of an immaculate conception but a mix-up between two medical procedures.  I want to share with you today about commitment, a vow, a promise.

Jane had been a virgin when she found out she was pregnant, and up until episode 19 she is still a virgin (haven't gotten past episode 19).   She has been tempted and she has considered breaking her vow to herself and to her grandmother but every time the thought has crossed her mind...she's reminded of her promise and reminded of her plan.   There are a lot of interesting undertones to this show but oddly enough, the strongest undertone I hear over and over again is that Jane is staying celibate until marriage.   A grown woman in the 21st century - saving herself for marriage.

I waited until marriage.   Yup....25 years old when I got married.   I married the first guy I ever kissed and the first guy I ever dated.  The person I thought I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life.   I never thought I would ever have to worry about dating, choices, celibacy again.  But fast forward 15 years...and I'm single.   I've realized it's time for me to renew my commitment.   Like that commitment I made all those years ago as a teenager as I wore my promise ring.  A constant reminder to myself and an opportunity for me to share with others what that ring meant.  

Are you single?  Are you searching for love in different places?   Are you making choices you never thought you'd make because you feel lonely?   Do you think that you're "in love" so it must be okay?  After all...you're a grown adult and can make you're own choices.  Besides,  you've been married before, what are you saving?   Will you ask yourself this?  Are you in love?  Or are you in love with idea of being in love?  

Friends...I am not perfect, far from it.  But I've heard God whispering that no matter where you've been, no matter how far you walked away from God's plan...you're never too far that you can't come back to Him.   He wants to restore you.   He wants to bring healing and restoration to your heart.   He wants you to find your self-worth in Him, and Him alone.   Not in some person.   People will let you down, but Jesus never will.  He wants you to commit your future relationships to Him.  Or maybe it's a current relationship.

I never thought I'd hear God speak through a television show but I guess  He can speak through whatever means necessary for us to hear Him.   What does God have to use to get your attention?   Will you trust Him with your heart today?

LET'S DANCE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~          
I do love me some dancing but usually it is on a quiet street or when I am all alone.  Ok -not always true.  Sometimes it's in the middle of the old city in Jerusalem or a Christmas market in Vienna or on the Las Vegas strip and often times it's with my arms stretched out wide, completely oblivious to all that is going on around me.  How about you?  When do you enjoy dancing?  Where is your favorite place to dance? What is your favorite type of dance?

Today I want to challenge you to participate in a different type of dance.  One I hope you will commit to and challenge yourself with over the coming weeks.

Years ago, almost seems like a different lifetime ago, I used to mentor high school young ladies.  It was one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things I have done in my life.  During one season of our mentoring/bible studies, I encouraged the young ladies to read this book by Connie Neal "Dancing in the Arms of God: Discover Your Cinderella Story."  This book impacted some young ladies in ways I have seen, and in some ways I have yet to see - but it changed lives.  I hoping it will do the same today all of the globe as it did so many years ago in a far away land called San Diego.

Are you waiting for your Prince or Princess?  Are you stressed about being single your whole life? Being single AGAIN?  Never having children?  Being an "old" parent?  Do you have thoughts like: Will anyone love me? Am I worthy of love?  This just might the book for you.  Can I tell you a secret?  I've read this book at least 4 times and this book is still for me.  Every once in a while I lose focus, I lose direction.  I ask God some hard questions,  but questions I've already asked and received answers for several times (okay, maybe several hundred times).  Sometimes...I'm just plain stubborn and I want to dig my heels in and argue with God and say I'm not dancing tonight.

He wants to invite you to the dance of your life.  He wants to be your date in the dance called "life". He wants to satisfy the deepest longings in your soul, and fill your sadness with joy.   He wants to bring you out of your loneliness and despair and give you a spirit of happiness.  He wants you to find your sole contentment in Him, and Him alone.  Only then will you find that you don't need someone else to complete you, to fill that void - because it won't be there anymore.  He wants to fill that hole in your heart, if you will let him.  But guess what?  He's not going to drag you to the dance.  He's not going to beg you to go to the  dance with him.  He's going to wait patiently, until you're ready because He wants you to come, excitedly; with expectation that great things are going to happen.  Here's the kicker - you don't even have to put on your finest gown/suit or get your hair and makeup done.  You don't have to have the sparkliest jewelry or the most expensive shoes; He wants you to come as you are, whatever that looks like today.  And today...you may look different than tomorrow, and ever more different the next day.  But He doesn't care because He will trade your ashes for beauty and when He's done - you'll be the most beautiful prince/princess in the room.

Journey with me!  Come see what this dance in the arms of God is all about.  I want to experience each chapter with you.  Whether there are 10 of you, or only 1...Jesus wants to speak to you. He wants to invite you to the dance.  Will you accept?

I've started from the beginning again and I hope some of you folks out in blog land will download this book and join me.  I want your thoughts, your raw emotions, your questions, your discoveries.  Let's share our experiences together and through those experiences draw nearer to Jesus.

WARNING:  The journey might be painful, it might be exhilarating, it might be life-changing, or it might just be life-saving.   I promise you one thing - if you journey with me through this book, you will not be the same person than you were before you began. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~