It was 2015 and I was at a routine doctor's appointment preparing to move overseas for two years. We're supposed to get the all clear from our family doctor as well as a work doctor before moving away from first rate quality healthcare. It was after work one night, about 6pm, just me the doctor and the nurse in a well known doctor's office. I had no reason to suspect I might not get a good report. I've been healthy my whole life. Never broken a bone, never taken an antibiotic, never even been hospitalized. This appointment was just a formality. or so I thought.
A little ways into the appointment the doctor began asking me questions. I'm used to questions during my exams because I have lived overseas on and off for the past 14 years and they are always fascinated to hear of the different places I have been/lived and curious if I've ever gotten an exotic diseasem but this line of questioning seemed different. A little further into the exam I heard the word biopsy Um, excuse me, I know I wasn't listening before but I am now. Why do you need to do a biopsy? I'm confused. I'm not gonna lie to you...all I heard was someone speaking like the teacher from Snoopy. I couldn't decipher anything he was telling me - I was starting to became numb. The doctor finished up and asked me to meet him in his office.
It was in that office where I was asked a question I have asked myself for most of my life: Do you want to have children? I thought it was a pretty odd question to start a conversation off with but I guess it's a fair question so I went into my whole shpeel.
So that's a good question doctor, and one I've asked myself over and over again. Anyone who knows me can attest that I absolutely adore children. I've babysat since the day I was old enough to babysit. I'm the second oldest of a lot of kids and I've been around children my whole life but I've struggled with the thought of being a mom. What if's play in my head every time I give it a thought. So truth be told I've gone back and forth on the topic but yes, if God brought the right person into my life, I'd love to have children.
I saw the doctor's countenance change. I was almost 38 and he knew I wasn't married so I don't think he was expecting that answer and now he had to tell me something I was not in my wildest dreams prepared for.
Ms Craft, while we were performing your exam we saw something that concerned us.
We've taken a sample for a biopsy and should have the results in a few days.
Additionally, and separately, I'm afraid you may never be able to have children.
I sat there in silence. It's now nearly 7pm, in a city where I had no family and very few friends and I began to feel a wetness on my cheeks. I touched my fingers to my face and realized I had began to cry and didn't even know it. The doctor asked if I was ok? If there was someone he could call? If I was okay to drive home? If I would like some water? Stop asking me questions that I can't answer. It seemed like question after question was coming my way and I had lost my ability to speak. It seemed like an eternity had passed but I'm quite certain it was only about 10 seconds. The doctor seemed surprised this was the first time I was hearing about probable infertility. Apparently it was something I was likely born with and doctor's should have found years if not decades earlier. In their defense, one doctor - I don't know how many years ago - told me when I was ready to have children I should consult a specialist because I might have a hard time getting pregnant but no one mentioned the possibility I couldn't have children at all.
As I said, I had gone back and forth my whole life on whether or not I wanted children. It was a hot topic in my marriage but ultimately I believed if I was meant to be a mom, it was in Gods hands. As I look back over the last 2 1/2 years since I received this news I see God's promises holding me. He has never left my side. He has sheltered me through this life storm. He has been my strong tower, never wavering. And I'm not walking this road alone.
There are still days I grieve for that which I will never have but he's restoring me and putting a new song in my heart. Maybe biological children aren't in my future but perhaps adoption is, if I'm able to find the right man of God that desires the same. If not, perhaps it will be through grandchildren if God blesses me with a Godly man already with children.
Whatever God ultimately chooses for my life, I can say without hesitation or reservation
It is well, with my soul!
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